Humour - Men & Women

Anatomical differences between the Male & Female Brain

HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATlON BULLETIN

MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET

WOMEN - A CHEMICAL ANALYSlS

ELEMENT : Woman

SYMBOL : Wo

DISCOVERER : Adam

ATOMIC MASS : Accepted at 53.6kg, but known to vary from 40 - 200kg

OCCURRENCES :          Copious quantities in urban areas

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES :

1.   Surface usually covered with painted film.
2.   Boils at nothing, freezes without any known reason.
3.   Melts if given special treatment.
4.   Bitter if incorrectly used.
5.   Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
6.   Yields if pressure applied to correct places.

CHEMlCAL PROPERTIES :

1.   Has great affinity for gold, silver and range of precious stones.
2.   Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3.   May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason.
4.   Insoluble in liquids but activity increases greatly by saturation in alcohol.
5.   Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

COMMON USES :

1.   Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2.   Can be a great aid to relaxation.
3.   Very effective cleaning agent.

TESTS :

1.   Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in its natural state.
2.   Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

HAZARDS :

1.   Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2.   Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained
      at different locations as long as specimens do not come into contact
      with each other.

THE RULES OF THIS HOUSE

1.	THE FEMALE ALWAYS MAKES THE RULES
	A.	The rules are subject to change at any time without notice.
	B.	No male can possibly know all the rules. Nearly all females are born with this knowledge.
	C.	If the female suspects the male knows any of the rules, she may immediately change any or all of the rules.
2.	THE FEMALE IS NEVER WRONG
	A.	If the female is wrong, it is because of a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong.
	B.	If rule 2A applies, the male must apologise immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
3.	THE FEMALE CAN CHANGE HER MIND AT ANY GIVEN POINT
	A.	The male must never change his mind without express written consent from the female.
4.	THE FEMALE HAS EVERY RIGHT TO BE ANGRY OR UPSET AT ANY TIME
	A.	The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
	B.	The female must, under no circumstances, let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
5.	ANY ATTEMPT BY THE MALE TO CHANGE ANY OF THESE RULES COULD RESULT IN SEVERE BODILY HARM.

Five reasons computers must be female...

1.	No one but their creator understands their internal workings.
2.	Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
3.	The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
4.	The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
5.	As soon as you commit to one, you find yourself spending half your salary on accessories for it.

Three reasons computers must be male...

1.	You have to 'turn them on' to get their attention.
2.	Although they are supposed to solve problems, half the time they are the problem.
3.	As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if only you had waited you could have had a better model.

Dieting under Stress

This diet has been carefully developed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day. Please follow the instructions carefully.

Breakfast

1/2 Grapefruit
1 Slice Wholemeal Toast
3 oz Skimmed Milk

Mid Afternoon Snack
Rest of Cookies in Packet
2 Pints Chocolate Chip Ice-Cream
1 Jar Hot Fudge Sauce with Nuts
Cherries and Ice Cream

Late Evening Snack
Entire Black Forest Gateau
(eaten directly from freezer)

Lunch

4 oz Lean Boiled Chicken Breast
1 Cup Steamed Spinach
1 Cup Herbal Tea
1 Chocolate Chip Cookie

Dinner
2 Loaves Garlic Bread with Cheese
1 Large Sausage Pizza
4 Cans Lager
3 Snickers or Mars bars

Notes :

1.	If you eat something and nobody sees you eat it - it has no calories.
2.	If you drink a Diet Coke with a Mars bar, then the calories of the Mars bar are cancelled out by the Diet Coke.
3.	When you eat with someone else, the calories don't count if you eat less than they do.
4.	Food used for medicinal purposes doesn't count. (e.g. Hot chocolate, Brandy, Toast and Sarah Lee Cheesecake.)
5.	If you fatten up everyone else around you - you will look thinner.
6.	Movie-related foods (such as Milkshakes, Buttered popcorn, Murray mints and Mars bars) do not have any extra calories because they are part of an entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.
7.	Broken biscuits contain no extra calories as the kinetic energy expended whilst they are being broken results in leakage of calories (McVities's law).
8.	Things licked off knives and teaspoons have no calorific value if you are in the process of making something. (e.g. Jam on a knife when making a sandwich or cream on a spoon when making a sundae.)
9.	Foods of the same colour contain the same number of calories (e.g. spinach and pistachio ice cream, mushrooms and white chocolate). Please note that chocolate is a universal colour and may be substituted for any other food.

SEMINAR FOR ALL MALE STAFF

     The female staff will be offering courses to all men in the company.
     Please note the name of some courses have changed.
     Attendance in at least 10 of the following courses is compulsory.

Combating stupidity
You Too Can Do Housework!
PMS - Learning When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
How to Fill an Ice Tray
We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas - Give Us Money!
Understand the Female Response to Coming Home Drunk at 4:00 am
Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly called "Don't Wash My stuff")
Parenting - NO, It Doesn't End With Conception
Get A Life - Learn to Cook
How Not to Act Like an Asshole When You're Obviously Wrong
Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right!
Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
You - The Weaker Sex
Reasons to Give Flowers
How to stay Awake After Sex
Why It's Unacceptable to Relieve Yourself Anywhere But The Bathroom
Rubbish - Getting it To The Curb
You CAN Fall Asleep Without It - If You Really Try
The Morning Dilemma - If "ITS" Awake, Take a Shower
I'll Wear It If I Damn Well Please
How To Put The Toilet Lid Down (formerly called "No, It's Not a Bidet")
The Weekend and Sports are NOT Synonymous
Give Me A Break - Why We Know Your Excuses Are Bullshit
How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without Getting Lost
The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency
Romanticism - Other Ideas Besides Sex
Helpful Postural Hints for Couch Potatoes
Mothers-in-Law - They Are People Too
How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
You Too Can Be a Designated Driver
Male Bonding - Leaving Your Friends at Home
Honest, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson, Especially When Naked
Changing Your Underwear - It Really Works!
Fluffing the Blanket After Farting is NOT Necessary

A man was walking along the beach in California and found a bottle.  He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it.  A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out.

The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one."

The man thought for a minute and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill.  So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."

The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I don't think I can do that.  Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean.  Think of all the concrete or asphalt that would be needed.  No, that is just too much to ask."

The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is one other thing that I have always wanted.  I would like to be able to understand women.  What makes them laugh, what makes them cry, why they are so temperamental, and why are they so difficult to get along with - in other words, what makes them tick?"

The genie considered the request for a few minutes and said, "So, will two lanes be sufficient, or would you like four?"

One day The Lord came to Adam, and said, "I've got some good news and some bad news".

Adam said, "Well, give me the good news first."

The Lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are indeed great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"

The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "You will never be able to use these two gifts at the same time."

Words of Wisdom about Men

"These are a few little wise comments based on a scientific basis of ignorance, confusion and sheer prejudice.  These words of wisdom help me sort out the men in my life - and the life in my men".

Never do housework -
No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.

You know he's lying if his lips move.

Remember, you are known by the idiot you accompany.

If you love a man, set him free.  If he comes back, it means he's forgotten his sandwich.

What do you do if your boyfriend walks out?  You shut the door.

If they can put a man on the moon, they should be able to put all of them there.

Wait for the right man to come along -
But in the meantime have fun with some of the wrong ones.

The only reason men are on this planet is that vibrators can't dance or buy drinks.

If he won't wear a condom, staple the end of his willy.  That'll make him think.

If he clips his toenails over the living room floor, shave your armpits over his copy of 'Classic Car'.

Don't bother going to a chiropractor to get rid of a pain in the neck - Just divorce him.

If he says he's leaving you to see the world - Buy him a map.

Always remember, you can't be treated like a doormat if you don't lie down.

Definition of a bachelor:
A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

What's the difference between a husband and a lover?
Day and night.

Women don't make fools of men - Most of them are do-it-yourself types.

A women's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.

If you think that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, you're aiming too high.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Advice for brides:
Keep the bouquet and throw away the groom.

Men are like old cars - They need a lot of touching up before they will perform.

There are a lot of words you can use to describe men - strong, caring, loving -
They'd be wrong but you could still use them.

Men can't play dumb because it's hard to play at reality.

If you want a committed man - Look in a mental hospital.

The children of Israel wandered round the desert for 40 years.
Even in biblical times men wouldn't ask for directions.

If he asks what type of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.

Be tolerant of men - after all it's just 99% of them that give the other 1% a bad name.

Give a man an inch and he'll say its ten.

There are three kinds of men - the intelligent, the hansom, and the majority.

Boring men are like snot - they get up your nose.

Definition of a man with manners - He gets out of the bath to pee.

The trouble with women is our trouble with men.

Never trust love at first sight - Take a second look.

If he asks you if you're faking it, tell him no - You're just practising.

If men knew what pain they cause when they don't ring, they probably still wouldn't bother.

They main point of having a boyfriend is so that he can one day graduate to the exalted status of a 'former boyfriend'.

Other Words of Wisdom about Men

When God made man, he made him out of string.
At the end, he had some left over, so he made a little thing.

When God made woman, he made her out of lace.
He found he did not have enough, so he left a little space.

Whats the useless piece of skin at the end of a penis?
A man.

Medical	Non-Medical
Doctors Nurses Patients Medicine & Surgery Psychiatry NHS & Waiting Times Careers in Medicine Inappropriate Names Hospital Notices Humorous Medical Anecdotes Medical Jokes Miscellaneous	Smart & Witty Men & Women Computers Work & Stress Sex & Obscene Language Quotations Humorous Anecdotes Non-Medical Jokes Miscellaneous

ELEMENT :	Woman
SYMBOL :	Wo
DISCOVERER :	Adam
ATOMIC MASS :	Accepted at 53.6kg, but known to vary from 40 - 200kg
OCCURRENCES :	Copious quantities in urban areas

Humour - Men & Women

HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATlON BULLETIN MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET WOMEN - A CHEMICAL ANALYSlS